The 99th Platoon: Cops
by Zimbio
Summary: The 99th platoon stars in yet another misadventure, this time as cops in the big city.
1. Calling All Units

(A/N: Welcome to 99th Platoon: Cops. This was a social event done by the 99th Platoon, and is their collective work. Gappap, our normal fanfiction writer, allowed me to write this up. This is the collective work of the 99th platoon. With that said, enjoy. Oh, and check out Gappap's work. This is written by WWW.)

HUH! Bad boys! Watcha gonna do! Watcha gonna do when they come for you!

Officer Pyst Gores  
"Yeah I've been doing this job for...um... about a day or two. I'm supposed to be part of a badass platoon where we kill stuff. This is just my summer job."   
Pyst drives around the city.   
"A lot of people think its tough being a cop. But I don't find it much of problem. You just got to know how to handle the situation."  
The car's radio crackles to life. Pyst picks up the radio and responds.  
"We got a complaint from a mother about some drug dealers. Apparently this is their third warning, so I think its time to drop the hammer and dispense some indiscriminate justice!!!"  
The cameraman looks at officer Pyst like he's a psycho. Not far from the truth actually. Pyst clears his throat.  
"Sorry 'bout that."  
The car arrives at the scene of the crime.  
"There's the little weasels now."  
Nearby, a group of weasels are talking. Listening more closely to their conversation, it's clearly about the best ways to deal drugs.  
"Stay back here, this could get ugly."  
The cameraman zooms in on Pyst, tracking him with the camera. Pyst draws his gun and runs up to the lead weasel. The weasel turns and Pyst pistol-whips him in the face. Pyst points his gun at the other weasels.  
"DOWN! Get down now!"  
The weasels obey. Pyst turns his attention back to the lead weasel.  
"What's my name?!"  
"What?"  
Pyst pistol-whips the weasel again. The camera records a very loud cracking sound as the gun hits bone.  
"What's my name!?!"  
"I don't know!"  
Pyst pistol-whips the weasel. Another crack.  
"Pyst Dude!"  
"What?"  
Another crack.   
"PYST DUDE!"  
"All right! Alright!"  
"Now I've been getting some complaints about you dealing drugs, is this true?"  
"Maybe..."  
"WRONG ANSWER!"  
Another crack.   
"Now I've been getting some complaints about you dealing drugs, is this true?!"  
"NO!"  
"If you see a little kid coming up to you to buy drugs, you run for your mother fucking life! Now do you ever want to see me again?"  
"No."  
"What's my name?"  
"I forgot."  
Another crack.  
"Pyst... Pyst Dude"  
"That's right! Now do you ever want to see me- oh wait, you answered that, my bad."  
Pyst leaves the weasel on the street bleeding to death and walks up to the camera.  
"I feel like I made a difference already, and I didn't have to kill anyone. I like this job!"

Officer Samuel Snickers  
"We just got a call about some guys spray-painting some graffiti over on the memorial wall. Lets go check it out."  
Snickers drives to the memorial wall. On the way, he flips off the driver of a car that pulls in front of him.  
"Umm you guys are going to edit that out right?…"  
"Damn. Oh there are the lil punks. Now lets go deliver some badass justice."  
Snickers pulls out his nightstick and hits a guy sitting there with a cigarette in his mouth  
"Where's the hostage!?!?!?!?"  
What the hell are you talking about?  
Snickers hits the guy again.  
"THE HOSTAGE!!!!!"  
"Sir there is no hostage!!"  
Snickers turns around to the cop with him. He hits him with the nightstick.  
"You're in it too!!!"  
Snickers starts hitting all the punks with his nightstick. It looks more like police brutality than dispensing justice. He notices a few spray cans on the ground. He grabs the police car's radio.  
"Situation is under control. Over"  
He comes over to the camera and covers it up. As the car pulls off, the camera looks at the wall and in large spray painted letters are the words, "Snickers wuz here"

Officer Rico Rodriguez  
"Look, Mr. Rodriguez, all you've got to do is drive around, doing your normal thing, in a few hours, you'll forget the camera's even there. Nothing to worry about."  
Rodriguez gets into his police car. He sees the camera in the steering wheel.  
"What the fuck is this?! I don't believe this shit!"  
The radio acts up.  
"We've got a 2-11 in progress: 24 Drunkengit road."  
"Hey! I know that place! That's Anthrax's pub! They've got a mean 'special mix'!"  
"Just get your ass down there."  
"I'm on the way. Funny though, Anthrax can usually handle himself."  
Rodriguez arrives at the pub. When he enters, Anthrax has a shotgun pointed at the robber.  
"Put your hands against the wall!"  
"Man, jus' lemme go, I'm not going to do it ever again, I didn't know this is Anthrax's bar."  
Anthrax uses the shotgun to point to the neon sign that reads Anthrax's bar.  
"Err… Look, you're the 11' fish of the underworld. You've got a whole armory in there you psycho!"  
Anthrax arms the shotgun.  
"Shutting up."  
Rodriguez gets back in his car, turning on the radio.  
"All clear down here."

Officer Dark Flame  
Dark flips on his radio, listening to Eminem - Till I Collapse. He drives down the road, slowly scanning for signs of trouble. His black Mercedes drives by an alley when something catches his eye. He stops the car, opens the door and runs back to the alley. As he walks down, he sees a weasel raping a young female squirrel. Dark slams his fist into the weasel's jaw. Another weasel jumps out, tackling the panther. Dark reverses it, slamming the assailant into the ground. He ties the weasel's hands together, and moves to the next rapist. He tackles the next weasel to the ground, tying his hands too. The first weasel yells.  
"Suck my dick bitch!"  
Dark helps the girl to her feet and lets her go. When the girl is out of sight, Dark picks up the one who was raping her. He slams the weasel against a nearby fence. Dark takes both of his chrome 9's and looks at the weasel.  
"You told me to suck your dick right? Pull your pants down, I bet you I can't even find it."   
The panther puts both 9's together and holds them by the barrels.   
"Close your eyes."  
The weasel acts accordingly, and Dark slams both handles of the pistol into the weasel's dick. He walks away.  
"Next time, I'ma cut your fucking dick off and stick it up that funky ass of yours…bitch!"

Officer Twisted  
Twisted drives down the street in his sleek silver corvette when he sees a car doing about 49 on a 50 speed limit highway. He catches up and talks to the driver.  
"Pull over you mother fucker!"  
"For what?"  
"You're over the speed limit!"  
"Am not."  
"Are too."  
"Am not."  
"Are too."  
"Am not."  
"Ah fuck this!"  
Twisted pulls out an uzi from inside the car and blows the cars tires out. The car swerves into a ditch while Twisted continues driving as if nothing ever happened.

Officer Thomas "WWW" Warclat  
WWW's radio buzzes to life.  
"WWW can you investigate this? An actor has been sniffing crack on-set."  
"Sure."   
WWW arrives at the movie's set. A child actor is found in the corner, flinching.  
"Only a weasel would do this!"  
WWW hears laughing. He jumps over the set and lands on a weasel, smashing his skull.  
"There must be a whole gang back here..."  
WWW lunges at another weasel. He falls head first down a trapdoor. When he lands, he sees a weasel raping a squirrel girl. WWW pulls out his handgun and blows the weasels head off. He throws the squirrel girl some clothes and then he runs up the stairs.  
"This time they're all going to die!"  
The last thing on the tape before it is cut off is WWW pulling submachine guns on a group of weasels.

Officers Rico Rodriguez and Pyst Gores.  
Rodriguez is at the wheel; Pyst in the passenger seat and the camera crew is in the back.  
"That is so weird, so then what'd you say?"  
"I was like 'Get off my lawn!' and the guy was like 'Five dollars!' and I was like 'I told you, the gnomes aren't for sale!' and he's like 'ten dollars!'"  
"-kssh- Car 64, robbery in progress at King Street Ave. over -kssh-"  
Pyst grabs the radio.  
"And what do you want us to do about it?"  
"-kssh- Get your asses over there and stop it you jackass! over.-kssh-"  
"We'll worry about it later-"  
"Hey wait, the donut shop is on King Street Ave.!!!"  
"Oh my giddy aunt! Hit the sirens lets roll!"  
The car speeds away, sirens blaring.  
The car stops in front of the donut shop. Rodriguez and Pyst climb out. Rodriguez grabs the car's shotgun.  
"Why do you get the shotgun?"  
"Cause I'm in charge!"  
The two silently approach the shop.   
"Ok, you go in and I'll cover you."  
"Wait, why not the other way around?"  
"Cause I'm in charge, now go!"  
"Hold on, I think you know something your not telling me."  
"What?"  
"If I step in that donut shop, you're going to use me as a human shield!"  
"No I'm not!"  
"Well why don't you go in first?"  
"Cause I know you would use me as a shield."  
"True, very true."  
"Okay, tell you what. On three we charge in there, guns a blazing."  
"That's fair."  
"Alright, one...two...three!"  
Pyst kicks the door down and they charge in shooting everything in sight. Civilians and the donut shop workers are wounded. The robbers are nowhere in sight.  
"Where the hell are they?!"  
One of the workers comes from behind the counter.  
"Who?"  
"The robbers!"  
"There are no robbers here. They're robbing the bank across the street."  
The worker points out the window. Sure enough, a group of weasels walk out of the bank with bags of money.  
"Aw, we're too late. They got away."  
"Yup, no sense chasing them."  
"But they're not-"  
"I said they got away, now shut up!"  
"Hey, you up for some coffee and donuts?"  
"Yeah sure, just don't get any of those cream filled things, I can't stand that nasty shit!"


	2. The Crack House Crack Down Special

(A/N: Not much more to add. This is the first time we actually tried some combined effort… It didn't turn out very well.)

This is a COPS special. We will now see a group of officers infiltrate a crack house and arrest the occupants. We now return to COPS: Crack House Crackdown.

"-kssh- all cars, head to the house on the corner of Bush and Gore, over. **-**kssh**-**"  
Officers Rodriguez and Pyst sit in their police car, eating their donuts.  
"Why?"  
"-kssh- The occupants are being charged for possession, hot boxing, drug dealing, robbery, vandalism of road signs, first, second and third degree murder and embezzlement, over -kssh-"  
WWW grabs his radio.  
"Sounds like quite a criminal outfit. Pyst and Rodriguez, how long until you get there?  
Rodriguez chews his donut.  
"could be an hour, or a day, or-"  
A thud can be heard over the radio. Officer Deja speaks.  
"Rodriguez! You better get there in 15 minutes! STOP STUFFING YOUR FACE!!!"  
WWW was curious.  
"What'd you do, Deja? Kill the radio dude?"  
"No, he's still breathing... well not now."  
"Whatever"  
Rodriguez drives the patrol car to the crack house. Pyst reviews their briefing.  
"Another one of those crack house deals. Damn hippies never learn."  
Pyst grabs a coffee cup and takes a sip.  
"Was that my coffee?"  
"No, its mine."  
"Bullshit! Your cup is on your side, you're stealing my coffee!"  
"Am not."  
"Give it up!"  
Rodriguez lets go of the wheel and grabs for the coffee. The car swerves left and right.  
"Hey watch it Rodriguez! You'll spill my coffee!"  
"You mean my coffee!"  
"All right, you want it? Here!"  
Pyst tosses the coffee at Rodriguez and the steaming java lands on Rodriguez's crotch.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! HOT!!!"  
"Don't be such a pansy! HEY WATCH THE WHEEL!"  
The car crashes. Rodriguez and Pyst are slammed against the dash board.  
"Are we dead?"  
"No, but I can't figure out why the-"  
The airbags deploy suddenly.  
"-airbags haven't gone off."  
"Aw, son of a-"  
Pyst draws his gun and shoots the airbags. The two climb out of their car, followed by the camera crew.  
"What'd we run into anyway?"  
The two inspect the wreck. Their police car collided with another police car. WWW stands next to his car, a shocked look on his face.  
"What the hell is wrong with you guys? I could have been in there!"  
"Uh...sorry..."  
"Yeah, sorry..."

Twisted sees the crack house about a mile away from his position. Twisted decides that he'll show off in front of all the cops that are already there. Twisted slams on the gas but doesn't move.   
"Awwww fuck I'm out of gas"  
Twisted starts to push his car over to the nearest gas station. He fills the tank with gas and grabs a big gulp of coke on the way out. Twisted then slams the gas toward the crack house and when he's about a quarter mile away he turns the steering wheel and starts spinning out of control. Twisted has one hand on the wheel and one hand on his bug gulp so that it doesn't spill and parks the car blues brothers style right where WWW's car had just been.  
When Twisted walked inside he saw Snickers sniffing things in a corner. Twisted walked over to him, Pistol-whipped him in the back of the head, and continued toward the crime thugs. He walked upstairs and looked straight into the eyes of a man who already had his guns drawn at Twisted.  
"You can do this the hard way or the easy way. Only one way leaves you still breathing"

Snickers rubs head from that pistol-whip and walks up the stairs...he dodges into another room and combs his hair up into an afro. He than walks out and up beside Twisted.  
"Good lord! It's Macy Gray with pork chop sideburns!"  
"The funk is alive baby"  
Snickers kicks the gun out of the druggies hand and slaps him down.  
"Say it louder!"  
"I give!"  
"Say it looouuuuuderrr!!!"  
"I give!!!!"  
"Yea!"  
"I give up! nananananana I knew that I would! nananana I give up! nanananana 'cause he's from da hood!"  
Snickers does a bit of a dance and licks his teeth.  
"All in a days work!"  
Snickers looks at Twisted and waves him over. "Come on Twisted brother, you got soul. We should team up on this one."  
"No thanks. My soul doesn't flow like that."  
Twisted walks out of the crack house and sees Dark pulling up the drive way of the house.  
"This job's over but you and me can take care of other ones together."  
"I'll think about it"  
The two both drove off quickly side by side with dark in his jet black Mercedes and Twisted in his silver Corvette coupe.  
Rodriguez and Pyst sit staring at their beaten down, bashed up, shot up, and scratched standard police vehicle, then at Twisted's Corvette and Dark's Mercedes speeding into the distance.  
"Donut?"  
Another slightly different siren approaches from the distance. An ambulance parks near the wreck. Mon steps out in doctor attire.  
"Anyone dead?"  
"Nope. We're fine."  
"You're sure?"  
"Yup. Just a little dazed."  
"DAZE!!!"  
A paramedic team bursts out of the ambulance and ties WWW, Rodriguez and Pyst to stretchers faster the Goebbles could dish out another Nazi propaganda poster.   
"Hey! What the hell! Boy you un-strap me from this mechanism before I...Hey what's that?"  
"CLEAR!"  
Mon presses the instrument to Rodriguez' stomach. A loud 'fump' sound can be heard.  
"URK! Am I dead yet?"  
"He survived. Barely. NEXT!"  
Pyst's stretcher is brought to Mon.  
"GET YOU HANDS OFF ME YOU DAMN DIRTY DOCS!"  
"He's going to need CPR! Someone help him!"  
Off in the distance, tumbleweed goes by.   
"Well I ain't putting my lips ANYWHERE near his so...yup! He's okay! NEXT!"  
WWW is finally brought to Mon.  
"GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"

The soul-squirrel Snickers moves coolly through the walls of the crack-house, almost as if to some unheard and yet funky beat, and soon reaches a crossing with Ajax, a panther sitting cross-leg in the center wearing a tie-dye shirt and what seems to be flare-camouflage pants and humming Pink Floyd's "High Hopes".  
"What the… Ajax, Dude!"  
Ajax speaks, apparently stoned out of his mind.   
"Dude… they got some good catnip…wow…"  
He shakes his head and comes out of it.  
"Well let's roll!"  
Undercover Squirrel bounces over to a door where a black arm is hanging out. He proceeds to perform a soulistic "gimme dap" type handshake.  
"Blackness confirmed...you got soul..."  
The door opens and two guys are sitting there raping a young girl and forcing her to sniff cocaine. Undercover Squirrel and Soul Panther bounce over to the guys and proceed to administer a serious ass whooping. After they untie the girl and let her go, they go into a room behind them and find James Brown.  
"Whoa! It's a hippy panther and Macy Gray with pork chop sideburns!!"  
"We're here to save you my fellow brother!"  
He unties James Brown and lets him dance out of the room.  
"What next? A talking marijuana plant that wants to kill us because we killed his customers?"  
Just then a 7 foot tall marijuana plant walks in and roars!  
"Roar!!! You killed my customers!!! I'll kill you all!!!"

Rodriguez and Pyst sit on the hood of their broken car eating donuts.  
"-and then I said 'get the hell off my lawn!' and he was like 'fifty dollars!' and I was like 'I told you! The gnomes aren't for sale!"  
"Riiiiight..."  
Gunshots are heard from the crack house.  
"Ya think they need us in there?"  
"They'll radio us for help if they need us."  
The camera zooms in on the radio, which is accidentally left off.  
"So, seen any good movies lately?"  
"I saw 'Saving Private Ryan' again."  
"Ya? How was it?"  
"Meh, same as usual."  
Camera is showing the front of the house with Rodriguez and Pyst sitting on the car's hood in front of it. Behind the house can be seen smoking with various flames appearing at the window. Through glimpses the Mary-j plant can be seen chasing after Soul Panther and Undercover Squirrel. Suddenly the house shakes and starts to vibrate. In a cloud of rubble and ash it falls down. Rodriguez and Pyst continue to sip coffee. Suddenly, the camera zooms in on a flying pack of cigarettes. It flips through the air and heads directly for the back of Pyst's head. Slow motion as it's only a few centimeters away... It slams into Pyst's head. Camera focuses on Pyst's eyes. Zooms into the irises... Images of violence, fire, explosions, screams of pain, death flash through the eyes of the seriously pissed Pyst. He roars with fury and leaps into the rubble with his bare hands outstretched. Various cat screeches along with what sounds like Pyst laughing are heard. The M-j plant can be seen trying to crawl away from the manic squirrel. It crawls...straight into the shotgun barrels held by Officer Rodriguez. Rodriguez waves. Then he thinks.  
"If you're here then who's...Oh FUCK, PYST! THAT'S AJAX AND SNICKERS!!!"  
The fighting comes to a halt. Pyst is holding both of them by the scruff of the neck.  
"You sure?"  
"Yeah, I think so."  
"Uh…"  
The sergeant just shrugs. The marijuana plant makes a move. Rodriguez blows its head off. Pyst and the sergeant hop into the car. First one speaks, then the other, then both.  
"Another day on the job."  
"Another case solved."  
"The city is safe thanks to officers Rico and Rick!"

Soul Panther and Undercover Squirrel shake themselves off and dance away from Pyst and Sarge and into their car.  
"Whoa... like that was close eh soul?"  
"You know it brother..."  
They give each other some dap and Undercover squeals tires into the city again. Undercover spins the car into a small barbershop.  
"Here we are..."  
"Wha? A barbershop?"  
They slowly walk in and sit down in some chairs that send them down into the secret black police base.  
"This is where all the soul takes place...none of the other whities out there know about this."  
"Smooth man..."


	3. Unorthodox Patrol

(A/N: Sarge and Pyst are hilarious. Note that I interchangeably refer to Sarge as Rodriguez, Rico or Sarge. Pyst is sometimes referred to as Rick, Pyst or Gores. Not much more to say.)

Twisted turns the volume up on the radio to Eminem's "without me". Dark looks through the window of his car to see Twisted bobbing his head up and down to the beat. Dark realizes what he was doing and decides to turn up a song of his own. He blasts the bass to the tune of another Eminem song. The two drag race down the street with both stereos blasting. Twisted gets a radio from Sarge that he needs to get back to work.   
"Fuck that"  
"There's always a chance we can do a good deed"  
The two look at each other.  
"Naw."   
They continue driving.

Rodriguez and Pyst roll along the highway with Elvis playing. Pyst makes a move for the radio.   
Rodriguez aims a shotgun at him.  
"Don't ever touch a Sergeants radio!"  
Pyst mumbles something.  
"What'd you say?"  
"Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?"  
"Hell no! Nobody understands the words that are coming out of your mouth..."  
Rick and Rico's police car speeds along the freeway, keeping the city safe. Further along the road, a shadowy figure sprinkles the ground with tacks. Rodriguez sings.  
"I cant get no! du du da da da da I cant get no!"  
The car flips through the air with slashed tires, and soars for 300 meters before landing upside down on the freeway. Sparks fly and the car groans with pain.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
The car skids to a stop, upside down.  
"What was that?"  
"Beats me. But lucky we kept our cool."  
"Yeah."  
Rodriguez and Pyst climb out of their car.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
Sarge leaps into Pyst's arms as 20 or so cars speed past. The two squirrels can feel the breeze coming off the speeding vehicles. Suddenly a silhouette appears in front of the cars headlights. Pyst drops Sarge. Sarge snaps to his feet. Deja steps forward, illuminating her features.  
"It had to be you...you couldn't just tell us to pull over could you?"  
"Where would the fun be in that?"  
"And you two are related?"  
Both of them punch him in the face.   
"I feel seriously outnumbered here..."  
The three flip the car back on its tires, with some difficulty, before driving off...having of course removed the tires and driving just on the metal.  
Sarge is driving, Deja is in the passenger seat, Pyst is in the back with the camera crew. Pyst pushes the camera crew over.  
"Hey why do you get to drive?"  
"Cause I'm charge, get it through your thick skull!"  
"Well then why does she get the front seat?"  
"Because a real gentleman lets the lady sit up front."  
"I ain't a gentleman!"  
"Well I'm not some goodie two-shoes girl either! So sit down!"  
Deja shoves Pyst back into the back seat. He knocks the cameraman over.  
"Hey watch it you dumb ass! That does it! Pull over Sarge!"  
The car pulls over.  
"What now?"  
"You two can go and fight crime your way! I'm going under cover!"  
Pyst quickly changes into his street clothes.  
"I'm going Narcin'!"  
"Ha ha NARC!"  
"Shut up!"  
"See you around, NARC!"  
Pyst mumbles to himself.  
"I'll narc your asses you narcing narcers!"  
Pyst snatches the car's shot gun and stuffs it in his trench coat.  
"OK, I'm going in!"  
Pyst exits the car and runs commando style around the streets.  
"What a moron."  
"Heh heh, Narc!"

Cops now presents: The life of Rick "Pyst" Gores. In between answering questions in an interview, some of his exploits will be shown.

PYST "Yeah, I've been with narcotics for a few hours now. But you'd be surprised how much shit you can get done in a couple of hours.

Pyst busts into a crack house with a shotgun.  
""FREEZE MOTHER FUCKERS!!!"  
The weasels run for their guns. Pyst shoots them all.   
"Yeah that's right! Give me a reason to shoot! Makes the killing legal!"

"Yeah, these cases are pretty tough; you're always putting your ass on the line. Then there are people who always piss you off, but you can't shoot because of all this red tape! I mean you have to improvise in order to kill some one!"

Pyst runs up behind a drug dealer, weapon drawn.  
"HANDS UP DICK WEED!"  
The drug dealer quickly raises his hands in the air.  
"Now turn around, slowly..."  
The drug dealer turns around slowly and faces Pyst.  
"Now put your hands in your pocket!"  
"Huh?"  
"HANDS! IN YOUR POCKETS!"  
The drug dealer slowly puts his hands in his pockets.  
"HE'S GOING FOR A GUN!!!"  
Pyst opens fire.   
The drug dealer falls dead before he hits the ground.  
"You have the right to remain silent..."

"This job can be pretty rough. I mean, nobody likes cops these days. Everyone's out to get us."

Pyst is talking to suspect on the street.  
"So now you're telling me you didn't hide the drugs."  
"Yeah, thats what I'm saying."  
"What do you think I am, some kind of idiot? You're under arrest!"  
"Look out behind you!"  
Pyst turns around.  
"What! Where!"  
The suspect runs like hell. Pyst turns and sees the suspect running.  
"HEY!"  
Pyst draws his gun and fires.  
"Ok, shut the camera off. Yeah, NOW!"

"Yeah, I've made a lot of busts. Of course I haven't really turned any cocaine to the proper authorities yet. It's usually pretty hard to keep track of that stuff. Everyone's trying to get at it so the coke always disappears some how..."  
Pyst snorts. His nose starts bleeding.   
"Aw fuck! Turn that camera off!"

Dark pulls his black Mercedes up to a curb. Four guys are standing there; one has a girl up against his car. The girl is struggling to get free, but can't overcome the man's strength. Dark signals to Twisted that he can handle it. The camera crew stays in the confinements of the panther's car as he goes to stop the rape. The men look at Dark and soon encircle him. Dark says he doesn't want any trouble but apparently, they do. The first rapist rushes the panther. Dark spin kicks the rapist's jaw, and follows through with a jump-spin kick to the next one's cheek. The last two pick up weapons. The first to attack has a beer bottle. He swipes at the panther, but the panther dexterously catches the attacker's arm. The bottle is used against the attacker and is slammed over his head. Blood oozes from open gashes. The last rapist chooses to be stubborn and attack. He takes a steel pipe and swings. Dark catches his arm, shaking his head. The panther puts the rapist's arm over his shoulder and snaps it. The bone pierces the skin, shooting blood upwards.

"Sarge, I think there's someone hanging onto the car."  
"Get the camera guy to look."  
The cameraman turns around to see a familiar tediz open the door and sit down.  
"Hey Sarge, I need a ride."  
"Why?"  
"Yeah, why?"  
"Because you and Pyst destroyed my car!"  
"Oh... yeah..."  
"I'll just hop out when I need to."  
Sarge and Deja arrive at the police office. Most of the gang are sitting around, waiting for a call. Sarge walks over to the donut box. Suddenly he roars in anguish. Sarge holds up a floppy donut.  
"I don't know who did it...all I know is that this donut has puncture marks on it and all the jelly's been sucked out."  
He looks at Dark.  
"You wouldn't know anything would you?"  
Dark walks away.  
"I'll be in my coffin"  
Everyone's in the lounge doing whatever when they hear a loud slam outside.  
"No. You go back to the lab. My assistant has some test he need to do on you."  
They hear a roar and wings flap. As the sound fades away, the lounge door bursts open.  
"Hey, everybody! Miss me?"  
"Chael!"  
"Where were you?"  
Chael walks over to Sarge and whispers to him.  
"The Agency sent me to do some covert missions. You know, an assassination here, an exploding building blamed on a terrorist group there. That and I made a few stops on my way back...excuse me for a second."  
Chael finds ILZ's locker and tosses a baggie into it.  
"Like I was saying. When I got back they told me you guys were doing some work here for the police, so I decided to join in on the fun. So...whose ass are we taking down now?"  
Chael pulls out a remote mine launcher.  
"All we've found were petty drug lords."  
"That sucks...alright, donuts."  
Chael opens a box of donuts and starts stuffing his face.


	4. The Pyst Factor

(A/N: The first chapter that isn't being uploaded at the same time as the first three chapters. Anyone who read this when I made it will note that all layout problems have been fixed, thanks to Gappap. He and I are planning something special for the credits/wrap-up of this. I hope you'll like it, because it's ing hilarious.)

Officer Pyst riding in his police cruiser.  
"Yeah, we got a call just a minute ago, apparently some Tediz have been out and about stealing somebody's car. Two other officers stopped some tediz awhile ago and we think these might be the guys we're looking for."  
The cruiser pulls to the scene. Two tediz are standing by a car, two Squirrel cops wait off to the side. Pyst walks up to the first tediz.  
"Excuse me sir. Is that your vehicle?"  
"Noossa it's cuusan's."  
"Oh, it's your cousin's. Is that your cousin over there?"  
"Nosa tasa muh fwend!"  
"Ah, he's your friend. So where's your cousin at?"  
"Uh, meah dun now."  
"Don't know? Do you know where your cousin could be?"  
"Uh, no."  
"Uh-huh. All right, here's what's going to happen, I'm placing you under arrest for car-jacking."  
"Nah, nah, nah!"  
"HEY!" Pyst draws gun "Was I talking to you? Huh?"  
"No."  
"Then stay there and shut the fuck up!"  
Pyst holsters his gun and turns back to the first Tedi.  
"Meah gost wif and kyds!"  
"Well its nice you got a family, but you should have thought about that before you started stealing cars"  
"SEE YA IHN HELL!!!"  
The second Tedi runs away.  
"He's making a run for it!"  
Pyst draws his gun and opens fire. The Tedi drops dead.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"  
The first Tedi runs away.  
"There goes the other one!"  
"I got him!"  
Pyst fires on the first tedi. The tedi drops dead. Pyst turns his gun to the camera.   
"Okey-dokie, shut the camera off. Yeah, shut it off. Shut it off!"  
The camera turns off for a moment.  
"Unfortunately what we had here was a violent shoot out with some tediz. Those little bastards are always stealing stuff and making trouble around here..."  
Pyst turns and hurls a grenade at the car.  
"...It's times like this, when we get scum like them off the street, I really love this job... that's what its all about!"

"I just got a call, apparently we got a couple fighting again, its not the first time this happened... We know this couple pretty well..."  
Pyst's cruiser pulls up to the scene. He exits his car and knocks on the front door of the house. A beat up weasel opens the door.  
"Excuse me sir; we got a call about-"  
The weasel's wife pushes her husband out of the way.  
"Officer! Arrest this fucking piece of shit now!"  
"Calm down ma'am, watch your language please..."  
"This fuckin' jerk off won't get a damn job! All he does is sit on his fuckin' ass and watch TV!"  
"Yeah, well you didn't have to fuckin' shoot me you bitch!"  
"Shut up you fucking bastard!"  
"HEY! WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THE FUCKING LANGUAGE!? NOW BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I START BUSTING SKULLS!!!"  
The two shut up.  
"All right! Now listen ma'am, we've been over this a whole bunch of times, and you can't shoot your husband just because he won't get a job."  
"But I-"  
"AH! It's my turn to talk all right?! Now, do have any idea how many times I've been out here? Huh?"  
"I don't know..."  
"You don't know?"  
Pyst sighs.  
"Look, what do you want me to do?"  
"I want you to arrest him!"  
"!"  
"I can't arrest him! He didn't do anything! Maybe I should arrest you for assault!"  
"But I-"  
"Look, maybe we should separate you two for tonight, you know, so you guys can clear your heads, work this out tomorrow."  
"...All right..."  
"OK, got any thing you need to grab, some clothes or anything?"  
"Yes..."  
The weasel's wife returns to the house.  
Pyst is informing his superior Capt. "Sarge" Rico of the situation.  
"Yeah, so she's ticked that he won't get a job."  
"Uh-huh."  
"So she shoots him."  
"Uh-huh"  
"And all hell breaks loose. So we're just going to separate them for the night."  
"Yeah, cause I know we're going to have to come out here again..."  
"I'm telling you, I'm ready to just shoot them both and burn the damn house down!"  
"I hear you."  
A commotion comes from the house.  
"'The hell?"  
"WATCH OUT SHE'S GOT A GUN!!!"  
The weasel's wife bursts out of the house carrying a really big shotgun.  
"HOLY HELL!"  
She blows her husband away, and then turns to the cops.  
Officer Pyst makes a mad dash to his cruiser and pops the trunk. He pulls out his trusty anti-tank rocket launcher and fires at the house, setting it and the Weasel wife into flames.  
"Whew! Glad we stopped that before it got too messy!"  
Sarge watches, as the house is consumed by flame.  
"It already has..."

ILZ patrols the inner-city neighborhood in his police van. Although a cop, ILZ's attire has only changed slightly, his jeans and red, gold, and green shirt switched for a police uniform. However, he still wears a Jamaican cap on his head, and he still has dreadlocks. He hears something on the radio.  
"We've got a report of some teenagers using narcotics on Gibson Street."  
"I will take ceah of it."  
Driving to Gibson Street, ILZ spots the three weasels with a few ziplock bags full of mary-j.  
"Yu three dea, stop right now."  
They begin to run away, not wanting to be arrested.  
"Dommit."  
ILZ pulls a large, rifle-like gun out from the back seat, aims, and fires three times. All three fall like rocks. He walks over to them to put them in the car.  
"Dese nu tranquelaiza rifels de sopply pock a wollop."  
Dragging the three into the car, ILZ grabs the bag of marijuana. He looks at it and then tosses it in the glove compartment.  
"No sense letting it go to waste."  
With that, he began the drive back to the police station.

Officers Pyst and ILZ  
Their cruisers are pulled up in front of a beat up old house.  
"So, whadda we got in dere?"  
"A few tediz, three or four, been dealing and transporting coke around this neighborhood. We're going to go in there and... Take care of the situation if you know what I mean."  
"Not really."  
"You'll catch on, now load up!"  
Pyst pops open his car's trunk and begins pulling out a bunch a various fire arms.  
"Wait mon! Shouldn't we wait for back up?"  
"There ain't no back up coming! I made sure of that so we could have more stuff to shoot!"  
"Uh, right..."  
"Come on, let's go!"  
Pyst talks to the camera.  
"These busts are always dangerous; never know if they waiting for us or packing heat. It's best to stay on your guard and yell a lot to catch them by surprise. Oh, I almost forgot, you guys signed your waver forms in case you get your heads blown off, right?"  
ILZ and Pyst stand ready by the front door. Pyst chambers a round into his shot gun.  
"On three, kick the door and act like a shield while I gun down the drug dealers."  
"Why do I haf to be da shield?"  
"Fine, don't be the shield you wuss! Just kick the door open!"  
ILZ kicks the door down, Pyst charges inside screaming.  
"FREEZE MOTHER FUCKERS OR I'LL BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT!"  
Four tediz are in the room, one of the tediz, high on coke, sits up. Pyst blows the tedi away.  
"Wot the 'ell is wrong wit yoo mon!"  
"It looked like he was going for gun! How was I supposed to know!"  
The remaining tediz put up their hands.  
"Yoo hand cuff dem, and no killing for no reason!"  
"Yeah, yeah..."  
Pyst eyes the tediz evily. One of the tediz scratches his nose. Pyst blows the Tedi away.  
"Dommit Pyst!"  
"I thought he was going for a gun! I swear!"  
ILZ shakes his head and begins to search the house for any tediz they may have missed.  
"Don't kill any moor of dem!"  
Pyst mocks ILZ as soon as he's out of earshot.  
"Don't kill any more of them, waa waa waa!"  
Pyst watches the two nervous Tediz.  
"Hey, is there any coke under that couch?"  
The tediz shrug.  
PYST "You, check under the couch! NOW!"  
The tedi slowly crawls to the couch and reaches under it. Pyst blows the tedi away. ILZ charges back into the room.  
"WOT DA 'ELL DID I SAY!!!"  
"He was going for a gun! See? He was reaching under the couch!"  
"That dos it! YOU go search de house! I'M watching da las tedi!"  
"Fine, be that way you pansy... LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU ITS A THREE HEADED MONKEY!!!"  
"Wha?"  
ILZ turns around; Pyst blows the last Tedi away. ILZ looks at what's left of the last Tedi. Pyst stands off to the side trying to look innocent.  
"...Ah ta 'ell wit it!"  
ILZ leaves. Pyst grins evilly and collects the tediz' drugs.  
"I'll be able to retire in no time!"


	5. Raid Gone Wrong

(A/N: As I take up the pen again, you'll notice I don't write that much in this blurb. That's okay; I don't have much to say. However, it should be noted that the first part is from GTA: Vice City although it is modified a bit.)

Officer Thomas "WWW" Warclat  
Briefing: There have been numerous cases of crack dealings, and all have been traced to this ice cream factory. The police control the perimeter. However, the drug dealings have continued. Officer WWW has been sent inside the factory to find out how they do it.  
"Okay, Dubyas, the radio will be cut off once you're inside the building. Remember, this is a stealth job. I repeat, do not blow up doors for fun. If they detect you, make sure they don't get to the others."  
"Roger that. I'm entering the building now."  
WWW pops out of an air duct on the inside of the building. He grabs the guard and knocks him out. He presses up to the door of the room being guarded, where the chief criminals in this operation are talking.  
"If you hate children so much why do you sell ice cream?"  
"There are other white non-dairy products that we sell."  
"Oh, now I get it."  
The man gets into an ice cream truck through the other door in the room. The woman leaves the room, and WWW hops into the refrigerated section of the truck.  
"This isn't ice cream! This is crack!"  
"Screw the cops!"  
The guy drives through, mowing a cop down.  
"Goodbye."  
WWW jumps out of ice cream truck, leaving a grenade with no pin on the floor of it.

A police cruiser speeds into the ice cream factory lot, skidding to a halt. Pyst gets out holding a rocket propelled grenade launcher. He looks at the flaming wreckage of the ice cream truck and then at WWW.  
"**Damn it!** I knew I should've took that short cut through the old folks home!" he curses.

Sarge rushes down to Twisted's car. Twisted is trying to flush out a gang of drug dealers that have locked themselves down in the crackhouse. The situation is a stalemate - the druggies are surrounded but Twisted and the others can't find a way into the house.  
"Twisted!" says Sarge.  
"What?" Twisted replies.  
"I need a fiver!"  
"Sarge! I'm in the middle of a situation here! Hold on!"  
"Fuck it!"

Sarge walks over to the car dealership next door.  
He says, "Hi! How much for that Ferrari outside?"  
The car dealer replies, "Ah, excellent choice sir. Could I interest you in a little test drive?"  
"Sure!"  
They enter the car.  
The car dealer says, "This baby handles like a dream - try it!"  
Sarge starts the engine, instantly flooring the pedal and soaring off.  
"WHAAAAAAA!" the dealer screams.  
The car smashes through the side of the crack house and Sarge hops out onto the trunk, brandishing his DD44 Dostoveis.  
"Freeze ass wipes!" he yells to the drug dealers. Twisted walks up, shaking his head in disapproval.  
"Now gimme the fiver!" demands Sarge.

Officers Sarge, Twisted, ILZ, WWW, and Pyst stand outside a SWAT truck in front of warehouse. The camera crew watches them as they put on their SWAT gear.  
Pyst turns to the camera and says, "Yeah, these hostage situations are always dangerous. It's not just your life on the line, its some wussy civvy whose in the wrong place at the worst possible time! Normally we'd set fire to the building and shoot the terrorists as they flee. But we serve and protect the public first, and if that means we have to do things _the right way_, well, that's just part of the job."  
Pyst jumps into the van, Sarge walks over and looks into the camera.  
"Who the hell is he talking to?" Sarge asks.

The officers cover the back entrance as Sarge relays the plan, "OK, Twisted, you go in left. WWW, you go right. ILZ, you run like run down the middle and find a good sniper spot. Pyst- Hey, where the hell did he go?"  
"Right here Sarge!" Pyst replies. He joins the crew, holding a light flamethrower in his hands.  
"Put that thing away! I don't want you to accidentally light up any hostages!"  
"I won't torch the hostages! Not much, at least."  
But before Sarge could order Pyst to leave the flamethrower, gunfire tears through the weak plaster in the walls. Crumbling white dust explodes over the waiting SWAT unit. Suddenly we hear a scream and the camera's view goes lopsided before falling to the floor.  
The cameraman screams, "Gaaaah! I'm hit! I'm hit! Holy shit! That's my blood! I'm hit! Help! Help I'm hit!" The others remain silent, until Sarge speaks up.  
"It's just a scratch," he says.  
"Yeah but it **hurts**!" the cameraman complains.

Sarge draws back a fist and punches the man's lights out. He motions for everyone to get back to work - lives are on the line.

"Fuck, that must have hurt, didn't it?" Twisted asked the cameraman  
"Hell yeah, that hurt!" he replies.  
"Then I guess you shouldn't get hit like that again," Twisted says. He walks away snickering, then enters the left side of the building to find himself staring down the pistols of about five tediz.

"This is gonna hurt in the morning" he gulps. The tediz shoot him.

Twisted wakes up in a white cell room chained to the back wall with some food just out of reach.  
"Shit! The fuckers got me. Well I guess I'll just have to sit and wait here, all alone," he says. The lights turn off.  
"In the dark. Oh well, I guess it can't get worse than this."  
As if saying that triggered it, Twisted hears Michael Jackson singing.  
"**Nooooooo!**"

As Michael Jackson began to sing, there was a distasteful sigh. Michael turned to find himself staring down the barrel of a Colt .45. The gun went off, blowing the pop king's brains all over the cell. Twisted stood up, searching the shadows for his savior. He found Dark staring at him. The piercing crimson eye seemed to be able to pierce his exterior and protrude into his mind. He broke off the gaze and turned to the door. "How are we supposed to get out of this cell?" He asked.

Dark smiled, "The same way I got in." He responded, pointing to a tunnel covered by a bed sheet. He took off the sheet and lead Twisted out of the cell. They found themselves standing beside Dark's black GTO. Tediz surrounded the car. They aimed their uzis at it and the two officers. The panther rolled his eyes. He gave Twisted the 'You better get down' look.

Dark went for his gun and the Tediz opened fire. Somehow, the panther managed to dodge every bullet. He looked at the Tediz who's mouths were wide open. He brushed a bit of dust off of his shoulder, and unsheathed his sword. In a flash, it became covered in blood. The Tediz stood there for a few seconds and then.. they all fell, blood spurting from gashes all over their body. Dark grinned and looked back to Twisted, "Get in."


End file.
